It's All Because of the Stupid Lolipop
by ZetsuAi
Summary: Suzume Arakaki was a homeless shinigami. But when she robs a candy store, she is sentanced to one year on team 12. Will she survive a year of insane laughter, science, and perversion? That depends on if she get's killed first! Rated T for language.
1. The perverted scientist

"Suzume Arakaki, we sentence you to 1 year with the 12th division.

Her jaw dropped and there was a long moment of silence. "But whyyyyyy?"

"Take it or go to jail. Your choice."

She dropped her head. "I guess I'll join them... if I die, it's your fault." She glared at them as she was escorted out.

* * *

After leaving, Suzume walked down the busy road that lead to wherever the heck it was that they said she had to go to.

_"Just take a right, left, go straight for 100 feet, take another left and your there! Good luck~!"_

'My life SUCKS.' She mentally screamed. 'And... 12th division? REALLY! Why don't you just lock me in a freaking room with that FREAK of a captain?' She kicked a rock and watched it roll down the path. She took a right. 'Seriously. When I'm done with this...' she took a left. 'I... I... I don't know what I'll do!' She took a second left. She kicked another rock and watched were it went. When she looked up to were it landed, she found a big building with a gate in front of it labeled "12TH DIVISION". She sighed and walked in. Every step of the way was like watching her sanity jump out of her head. She knew she couldn't last long with him, Mayuri Kurotsuchi. She began walking up some steps. 'Where do I stop?' She picked the first door she came by and walked inside. There she found a long hallway with a couple doors. 'Is it necessary to have this big of a building for just one team!' She listened in on doors until she heard some voices.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE'RE GETTING A NEW MEMBER! WE HAVE ENOUGH ALREADY!"

"Kurotsuchi-taicho. She's been sentenced here from jail."

"WELL I DON'T CARE! I HAVE YOU TO GET IN MY WAY, I DON'T NEED ANOTHER GIRL HERE!"

She took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

"WHO IS IT!"

"Um... hi?" She popped her head in. "I'm your new... uh... member." She gave a scared smile.

There was an irritated sigh. "Well come in..." A white painted hand motioned for her to come in.

She slowly stepped in and twiddled her fingers. She looked around the dark room and saw a couple chairs. She took a seat in a tattered, green chair.

~Silence~

She started tapping her fingers.

"Stop that."

'Somebody fell down on the wrong side of the parking lot...' She thought to herself.

He spun around to face her, and her jaw dropped. 'HOLY FRICK HE'S SCARY!'

"Well. State your name."

"... OH! Me? Um...Suzume Arakaki."

He smirked. "Can't you remember your own name?"

She glared at him.

"You're nothing special, but I suppose I have to take you..." He paused. "Very well. You can go now. I have work to do." He turned back to his research.

"But... were do I go."

"Nemu. Show her to an empty room."

"Yes, Mayuri-sama."

* * *

They stopped in front of a door. "Please go inside." Nemu bowed and walked off.

Suzume walked inside. One puny little window and a bed. Nice. **Real** nice... She plopped down on the bed. 'I don't have anything... all I have is... a bed... and walls... not even money!' She put her face in a pillow and screamed. 'How am I gonna get money? The only way is to ask _him_.' She shivered. Just being in the same room as him made her want to jump off a cliff! 'Maybe I'm overreacting...' she turned over onto her back. '...maybe... he's a nice guy?' ... "Heh!" she waved a hand in the air. "Yeah right."

She hopped up from the bed. "If I'm gonna spend a year here, why not get to know the place? I guess I'll memorize were his room is..." She started out the door.

* * *

Meanwhile, Mayuri was having a fit.

"Heh! You think I care! She's a teenage girl!"

"Sir, not to disrespect you, but, I was her age once too."

Just then Suzume walked by the door and listened in.

He spun and faced Nemu with a spark of 'I'M GONNA KILL YOU' in his eyes.

"I don't give a flying fish if she has nothing! SHE CAN DIE FOR ALL I CARE! Unless she can help me with experiments, then maybe I'll reconsider." He waved a hand. "But for now she's just another addition to or team." He spun around. "Now go away." He started furiously typing away at his keyboard.

Outside the door, Suzume could feel the steam coming out of her ears. "Errrrk..." she was about to reach for the door handle, but stopped her self. 'CHOTO MATTE YO! Heh! You almost got me in a lot of trouble there, hand! I can't go in there!' She sighed. 'But I can't just let him talk about me like that!' At the very moment she finished that thought, the door opened. "Ah!" She fell forward onto Mayuri.

"..." He looked down.

She looked up. "..."

~AWKWARD SILENCE~

Nemu peeked out from behind him, holding in laughter.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SMILING AT!" He gave her a little whack on the head. "Tch..." He slipped behind Suzume and walked away.

She waitied until his foot steps faded out and heard the slam of a door. "HOLY SH******T!" She threw her hands in the air and fell down.

"Um... are you all right?" Nemu stood there waiting for a response. "Um... uhhh... what do I do? SIR! COME BACK!"

"WHAT NOW FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!"

"I think she hit her head.." She looked down at the blood pooling around her feet. "Yeah..."

"WHY DO I CARE!"

"Because she might be willing to be one of you experiments?"

There were foot steps fastly growing closer down the hall. "If it's not you it's someone else. Dear, oh dear, what shall I do with you women?"

"Um... heal her?"

He shot an angry look at her. "And what are you suggesting?"

"I'm just saying that the right thing to do is to heal her."

He sighed and gave her another slap on the head. "You're going to kill me someday, Nemu..." He bet down. "Can you give me some privacy?"

Nemu blushed and closed the door.

"Tch... she gets in the way of everything..."

* * *

Next thing she knew, Suzume was back in her boring piece of crap of a room. "Woah... how did I get here?"

"He healed you."

"Who healed me?"

"Mayuri-sama..."

There was a long silence. "OH. MY. GOD. Please tell me I'm still a virgin!"

She paused. "Well... there's the slight chance that-"

"NOOOOOOO! NO NO NO NO!" She took off down the hall leaving Nemu in the room. Once she found the door that she listened into, she kicked it open and ran inside. "I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"

"Hn? Oh. It's you."

"What do you mean 'It's you.' ? WHY DID YOU SAY IT LIKE THAT!" She pointed at him. "YOU INCONSIDERATE PERVERT!"

"Woah now! I did something nice and healed you! The least you can do is be grateful."

"Well then, thanks for healing me in the most perverted way possible!" She had the urge to hit him but knew she would most likely be killed. With an irritated sigh, she spun around and walked out.

Mayuri turned around and waitied for Nemu to come in.

"Sir, I apalogize for that..."

"Dear, dear, dear... what will we do with her?"


	2. The Truth

Suzume was back in her room, talking to Nemu.

"As I was saying... you haven't lost your virginity. It's not possible. You shouldn't be worried." She stared at her, and there was a long moment of silence.

"It's hard to believe someone with no emotion in their eyes what-so-ever." She glared at Nemu. "But how would I not lose my virginity when he..." she trailed off and blushed.

Nemu tilted her head. "What are you... Oh. I see... He used his hand."

Suzume fell over on her bed and let out a sigh. "Thank god..." She let out a quiet chuckle. "Well I suppose it's not that bad. But still. I'm a young girl!"

"Would you rather have died?" Nemu stood up and walked towards the door. She paused before leaving. "You should really be greatful. Mayuri-sama isn't that nice to people he doesn't-" She caught herself before saying something misleading. "Well, he knows me pretty well... and he still..." She trailed of and showed a small bit of sadness. "My apologies. He's just not good with women like you. If you need anything, just ask me." She closed the door and walked away.

"Women like me- WHAT!" She stood up again. "Whatever. Haters be hatin'." She slowly opened the door, looked both ways, and took a step. "Let's try not to mess up this time, okay? Why did I say that outloud? Why am I even talking to myself?" She shook her head and took another step. Slowly, She made her way down the hall.

* * *

'kay I updated. Be grateful you even got this little chapter! GAAAAAAAWD DON'T PRESSURE MEEEEEEEE


	3. Showers

"This building... sucks. It's so... bland and... boring! It's filled with nothing but labs! AGH!" Suzume eagerly pushed open door after door, searching for something interesting. "Yep. Very boring..." She stood in the middle of the empty hallway with her hands on her hips. "Why's it so empty? Is everyone gone or something?" She looked back and forth. There wasn't a voice to be heard or footsteps anywhere. She turned and walked down the hall some more. The walls where pure white with a thick green stripe running along the top of them. The doors where white too, with a small, round, golden door knob. Suddenly, she heard voices.

"Sir, we need new Shinigami uniforms."

"What for?"

"The new squad members..."

"Ah yes... we can deal with that later."

"Yes, sir."

Suzume stopped and looked around. "Nemu? And..." she shuddered and listened in on a couple doors until she found where the voices where coming from. "It seems that whenever I listen in on doors, I get in trouble somehow... But I'll be careful this time."

"Sir?"

"Yes?"

"We also need more Polymethylene for that experiment you where planning on doing on Suzume."

"Who?"

"The new girl..."

"Oh. The hot headed one?"

"Yes, sir."

"Why did we run out?"

"When the zanpakuto rebellion started, Kuchiki Byakuya and Abarai Renji's zanpakuto spirits came here and took a few things."

"Hm... I'll have to talk to those two and remind them to keep their zanpakuto under control..."

"Yes, sir... what shall we do about the Polymethaline?"

"You idiot. Go out and buy more! What do you think!"

"My apologies for being so incompetent, sir."

"Tch..."

Suzume nearly fell over. "Experiments? What?" She started shaking. "B-but... he can't do that without my permission, could he?" She regained her composure and started listening again. This time it was silent. She slowly reached down and turned the door knob so she could peek inside. A rush of moist, hot air caught her by surprise and almost made her start coughing. "A bathroom...?" She thought to her self "In this area? This place is planned out so weirdly! I swear there was a lab with dead bodies all over the place next door..." She peeked her head in so she could see. She could vaguely see Nemu sitting on a chair. And when she looked over, saw a dark skinned man with lower-back length blue hair. "Who the hell- OH SHIT." She blinked a couple times and squinted. "That can't be..."

"Nemu."

"Yes, sir?"

Suzume backed up a little, worried that he'd noticed her. "OH SNAP IT IS HIM. I'm not here... I'm not here... I'm not here..." There was a long pause.

"... The paint on my nail is chipping off."

Suzume fell forward and caught herself, but the wet floor made her slip, and she fell sideways, hit a wall, and possibly cracked a few ribs. "OW." She covered her face and rolled around in pain. "That hurt..." She slowly moved her hands away from her eyes. She was staring at wall. She slowly stood up, being careful not to slip again. When she turned around, she nearly died. He was standing. Facing her. "AHHHHHHHH!" She sqeeled and covered her face. "U-uh..."

"What the hell are you doing here?" He yelled. "Haven't you gotten in enough trouble already?" He seemed to be a but freaked out.

"Mayuri-sama..." Nemu looked over at Suzume. "You might want to leave before anything else happens."

Suzume nodded, turned around, and left. She walked down the hall silently. Not thinking, not even breathing. When she came back to her room, she sat down on her bed, and sighed. "Never... want... to see... that... again. Ever." She lit a small candle beside her bed and closed her eyes. "Then again... he's kind of handsome..." She shook her head. "No no no! What am I thinking? I mean, aside from his large, golden eyes and long, silky hair... and the dark skin... and... his-" She blushed. "AH HELL NO! WHY AM I THINKING LIKE THIS!" She fell over and kicked her legs around. "Well now I have to go to the bathroom!" She flung her arms out and let them dangle off the sides of her bed. "It can wait... but now I have nothing to do. I don't have a job yet... Ugh, that means I have to talk to him." Suddenly, there was a knock on her door. "Wh-who is it?"

"Um..." Suzume shot up in her bed. Mayuri? Why was he here? How did her get to her room so fast? Did he have clothes on? Had he followed her?

"Um... come in...?" She reluctantly turned her head towards to door. He stood there dripping wet in nothing but a towel. She blushed and wanted to turn away, but couldn't stop staring. Although he was freakishly skinny, he had a lot of muscle. He had a large number of scars, some were freshly made and were held shut with stitches. His dark skin looked absolutely lovely with the dim, yellow light shining on him. His hair hung down to his hips, and was slightly wavy towards the ends. "Is there... a problem?" Her voice seemed to get higher when she spoke now. And she hated it. It made her sound so girly. She coughed and looked down. "Sorry... for walking in on you..."

"No, no. It happens all the time. I mean- Not all the time. Just every once in a while." He flipped his hair back and looked around. "You need a job. I'll give you one tomorrow. Along with the standard lab coat. We're a bit packed full for positions, but we'll have to arrange for something." He drew in a deep breath and sighed. "So troublesome..." He narrowed his eyes at her. "Get some rest, you'll be signing a lot of papers tomorrow." He turned around and walked out.

Suzume sqeezed her eyes shut. She wasn't sure if she's blinked at all during that time, but the image of his body was forever burned in her mind. That was for sure. "He never said anything about that experiment business... Well I'll deal with it in the morning. I need sleep... Captains orders..." She blew out the candle, covered herself up, and went to sleep.

* * *

Whaddo ya think? I wrote an actual chapter! It took me only 2 days! :D If you have any suggestions, I'll gladly take them, as I am at a loss of imagination right now. D:

-ZetsuAi


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